Breaking the Jar
Recently, my mother described me as a fairy trapped in a jar. Fresh from a trip to Walt Disney World, she asked me to humor her as she tried to share her visualization of the impact of my most recent job. “I see you like Tinkerbell, trapped in the jar, shining and bright. Full of light and equally trapped.”
Her comment, shared with me a little tongue in cheek, with a disclaimer that she knew how silly it sounded, has resonated with me profoundly. I have recently struggled with describing the overwhelming pressure I feel; trying in vain to find a way to share with those closest to me the feeling of being trapped in plain sight with no ability to reach freedom. Trapped by the must, should and “if I don’t, who will?” commentary reeling through my mind. At once knowing something has to change, with a care-worn list of things I want to get back to or do better, while simultaneously being frozen in place. Experience is a great teacher. I have internalized fear as a result of change and thus find myself a very neatly trapped pixie in a jar: full of light, hope, ideas and dreams, railing at the transparent bonds around me; the tinkling bell thunderous in my ears and silent to those who can see me. Maybe my light has begun to dim. Maybe my wings have started to droop. Maybe this last year has changed me so much that the pieces of me I miss and long for are visible to those who take the time to look in the jar. A strange kind of seek and find puzzle where the viewer sees a familiar image and has to study it to notice what has changed, only to be disappointed at the discovery rather than joyful with solving the puzzle.
Today begins a new journey. Breaking the Jar. The journey began with the words on this page. Admission, tension, anxiety, fear, and exhaustion are overcome by hope, courage, prayers, and dreams. I long to wake up with purpose, step into the day with confidence, knowing I am where I am meant to be, doing what I am meant to do. I can survive. I have survived. I will survive. I want to Thrive with purpose. I am a wife and mother above all else. My purpose and joy are rooted in those precious titles. Today I strike out to find a way Thrive while we survive.
1 Comment
Kathleen · September 24, 2015 at 11:40 pm
I know that a lot of people will be able to relate to feeling like Tinkerbell stuck in a jar. Only a strong person can recognize that and do something about it. You are most certainly a strong woman! Thank you for your honesty and candid account of your personal struggles. I know that your story will help others fighting a similar battle.
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