Postcards From the Trail

Postcards from the trail 9.2015 When we last met at the signpost, I stood frozen for some time before deciding which path to take.  I did not choose the path of least resistance, and I have learned that the word path is an inadequate description of the journey I chose. Over the course of the last few months, I feel as though I have walked through calm pastures, struggled through thickets, ripped my way through patches of thorny brambles, spent a night (or a few) in a dark cave of overwhelming hopelessness, and hiking steadily, all the while climbing my personal mountain.  Here are the first Postcards From the Trail:

Checkpoint 1: Back to School.  In the spring, before this blog was born, I was searching.  Searching for the path that would lead us back toward our family principles, reel in the children, and bring peace to our daily lives.  The variable wreaking the most havoc on me personally and by extension, my family, was my job.  I have come to regard my entire experience in that full time office roll as a “teachable moment.”  A long, arduous, limit stretching teachable moment.  I took the post with a hope and a prayer of improving the financial mess we have been mired in.  I went in eyes wide open, knowing the potential cost to family, home, and relationships.  This wasn’t my first rescue mission.  I went in armed with knowledge gained throughout my lifetime as mother and breadwinner.  I had parameters.  I knew my make it or break it points.  And I consciously allowed each of them to be shattered.  People worked for me.  I worked for them and our clients.  My roll required me to know the deepest needs of these people.  This was more than a job.  Lives and livelihoods hung in the balance.  It was pressed upon me, at times, to put the job (read: clients, staff, and department operations) first.  Eventually, my phone/job became a member of the family.  It joined us for mealtimes, showers, sleepovers, vacation days, holidays and special events.  To separate it from my family very often meant someone suffered.  To service the job fully and then go home to family, meant I did not see my family those days.  My house and family steadily suffered neglect.  My only defense became exhaustion.

You see, I didn’t miss the signs along the trail.  I cannot say I didn’t know.  And every day I fell into a black, restless sleep as I struggled to find a way to maintain my core priorities:  My family: husband and children come first.  Income: in a perfect world, we could survive on one income.  2008 taught me otherwise, but that is a story for another day.  So I was back to searching.  Searching for anything, everything, THE thing, that I was led to, willing and able to do.  The thought of changing jobs led to an investigation of schools.  College (again) for me and different schooling options for the kids.  One cold day in February, this journey began as I sat in the university counseling office.  The seed of this journey, planted itself in a tiny, warmly bright spot of hope in my heart.  I could feel it.  Fragile and surrounded by ominous, billowing fears.  Rooting itself in my heart the moment I heard I could finish my degree. The credits were there, and they count!  With a part time schedule, I could earn my degree within 1 year.  For the first time in 20 years, I could see the finish line.  I could Do this.

Checkpoint 2: Reduced full time job to part time.  Scary. Good. Bad? Financially terrifying.  Mildly anxiety reducing. Exciting. Completed.

Checkpoint 3:  1st Semester back in college:  Done.  While spending the summer adjusting to my new roll in a flexible, part time post at the office, I spent as much time as possible with the kids, with positive results for all of us.  (Check out The Adventures of Benny, Izzy, & Squirpy page for details) My husband changed jobs twice.  I began the Everest-like challenge of gaining control of the house.  And I managed to add an A and a B to my transcript.