When I doubt my decisions and worry a hole in my heart, I seek peace. While driving to and from all the places on my “must do list”, my mind and heart were wringing themselves out over decisions made, consequences of decisions, and what needed deciding next. I was caught in the frenetic pace of the days needs and in my own need to set up a perfect environment for my family’s success. As the words of this song seeped into my consciousness, I became aware of the tight furrowing of my brow, my fierce grip on the steering wheel, and the tension viced between my shoulders. Even my left foot, not occupied by driving, was pressed firmly into the floorboard, as if my body was slamming the brakes on my thoughts. I was braced for impact.
Had you driven along side me that day, you may have observed the tight set of my mouth, but I suspect you would have only seen a woman with the windows down, singing with the radio, arm dangling out the window. A casual observer would see what I want everyone to see: fine. And if not fine, fantastic. I felt as if the song was playing just for me in that moment. Because I was fooling myself as well. I was wearing Fine like a shield. Until the words “stop holding on and just be held” echoed in my stilled mind, even I was unaware of the crushing grip of my thoughts or the physical force of the tension. I began a physical and mental inventory as the words of the song took over my mind. I consciously relaxed my face, shoulders, arms, and legs. I let my hands relax upon the steering wheel. And I listened. When the song was over, I made a mental note to find this song and keep it close. Each time I hear it, it reminds me of that day in the car, when a strangers words became a catalyst. I can remind myself that I do not always need the answer right this minute. Only God knows where this trail is headed. I have paused, prayed, and researched every decision, and I strive to keep those decisions in line with my faith and Gods plan for me. My life is falling into place, and it is good to find peace along the way.
